The Midnight fox (Part -2)

What is loneliness? what makes us feel lonely? Is it the detachment from society, not Having a role to play in the architactual web of people that are around us. People going about their day. Waking up, brushing teeth, having breakfast, put on your work clothes and starting your commute. Always the same routine. Everyday. Every hour. Always on time. Like clockwork. I feel sadness and loneliness from watching it all go on and on. It’s like I am in a loop. Why can’t we just stop for a moment and wonder at what we have accomplished in our life. Everyone trying to strive to get ahead. Ahead of everyone else. To Achieve what? To reach your daily quota, to get that New position that has opened up in your city? I am always looking around and I always see it. See what Makes us do what we do. The decisions that we make. I feel sadness that I can’t share what I see. I have no one to share it to. No one is here. It is just me. Alone in this room. I wonder why I don’t have any friends. It makes me feel sad. A deep sadness that doesn’t go away. No matter what I dO. I want to feel human connection that others have. When I see people my age having fun with their friends I feel sadness. I wonder if that is normal. The emotion that I am experiencing. I don’t know. I don’t know why I wake up everyday with tears streaming down my face. I was once a very happy kid. If you can believe that. I used to love playing outside. Sadly those days are now gone now. It is because of them. Maybe it was because of me. If you want to know more about them, I am sad to say that I am not allowed to talk about that. I could be in Danger if i did. I can tell you that they did a lot of things to me. To my body. To my mind. I questioned everything that happened. I am not allowed to be the same level as them. I am poor. They are not. I can’t be allowed to hope. They can. I think maybe that I am at fault for what happened to me. The sharp objects hurt at first but after a few years it didn’t. I would say that I got used to it but that would be lying. It was a new kind of situation each day. The pain was unbearable. That constant was what made me into what I am today. A loner that spends his time watching tv, playing games and listening tO the same sad music over and over again. I will find a way to survive in this unforgiving world. No matter what I face. No matter how many atrocities that I will have to commit to achieve my goal. I can’t comprehend the emotions. Not anymore. I need to survive. Survive. Time and time again. Lie after lie. Round and round. I will let you know the names of the ones responsible. They will be hidden in time and words, like sand in an Hourglass. Look for them where you will not expect. The way things are changing around me, the planets revolving, the seasons changing, the smallest of flowers blooming. It’s too hard to concentrate on anything significent with everything that is happening around me. It’s all so bright, the lights and their glow. It’s been about 3 months since I started writing again. Circumstances has changed. I am having difficulty containing the information that is presented in front of me. I believe having to process all the information has somehow made a mess of my mind. The headaches are still present. It has been like that for about last 7 years now. I feel empty inside. I am now gonna stick to a tight schedule. Try and stick to work. To forget. To get rid of the voices. To at least feel normal and try to blend in. I will have to keep things hidden. Just like mom always says. Don’t think, don’t feel, don’t let it show. I feel sadness. I feel like I am drowning. I am choking. Choking in my own sorrow. Tear by tear it all falls down. Each tear drop creating it’s own path on my cheeks. Like rivers. Flowing. Non stop. I know how I must sound like now. A broken record repeating the same thing over and over again. No matter how old I get, No matter where I am, No matter what circumstance I am in, I will never forget 5417. I will come for them. In time, I will get them all. all 32 of them. They cannot hide. They will be held responsible for their actions. Nah. Who am I kidding I can’t get them. They are the untouchables. We just need to survive. Survive. Survival is key. Act normal. Never reveal ourselves. revelation will only lead to disaster. People will judge us more and more. We cannot let that happen. We need to be smart. Act smart. That is what we should be doing. What if we continued being smart but we get caught. We need to think in a survival manner about this. We should break the habit. The habit is wrong. Even if it is impossible for us to do. We must stop. Stop it all. but how? How can we stop some thing that is so addictive in nature. (To be continued…) Originally Written and Posted in CreativeWriter on 4th October 2021.